One time I was home alone, and I sneezed, and someone said bless you. I thought there was a man in my house and I was about to be brutally murdered, but it was just my neighbour who heard me through the shaft. So I told him thank you and we laughed.
That was a defining moment in our relationship as Maltese neighbours, and I don’t even know what he looks like because he uses a different entrance to mine to get into the building. Maybe we’ll get married one day.
But not all neighbours are mysterious and polite. Here are 15 examples neighbours in Malta who I would not dream about marrying.
1. The one who cooks the best smelling food
There’s nothing more upsetting than walking into your house and being welcomed by the smell of garlic and butter being fried, only to realise its coming from the flat above you and that you’re stuck with microwave pizza. Again.
2. The one who parks badly
No its OK ta, the white lines are just there to suggest where you should park, if you want to park in between two boxes you can I guess. Your neighbours don’t mind, promise.
3. The one who starts a spiteful parking battle
One day, your neighbour parks in your place, so out of spite you park in their’. And then out of spite they park in your’s again.
So out of double spite, you park in theirs. And then they park in your’s. So you park in theirs so they park in yours and – you get it.
4. The one who listens to very loud music
Nothing like living next to an aspiring DJ and having your day soundtracked by the latest remix of whatever pitbull song is currently making the rounds.
5. The one who complains about the loud music
If you dont have a neighbour who listens to loud music, you’re probably the loud music neighboour, which means you probably have a neighbour who likes to remind you that they have their siesta at 4pm and don’t appreciate your ‘modern’ music.
6. The annoyingly nice one
I appreciate that you fake care about my well-being, but if you ask me “Orrajd pupa? Għandek bżonn xi ħaġa? Kim inhi l-mama?” one more time, I may implode.
7. The one who is always doing some sort of construction
It’s 9am on a Monday, but that doesn’t stop this neighbour from hammering and drilling for four hours.
It doesn’t stop them on Tuesday or Wednesday either.
8. The ones who are always fighting
I really did not need to know that Mary burnt the ‘ż*bb ta’ tiġieġa’ for the third time this week.
9. The one whose car alarm goes off all the time
Nothing like waking up at 5am to the deafening sound of Stefan’s car alarm going off for the seventh time this month.
10. The one who doesn’t close their window when they watch porn
Sound travels, you know? Close your damn window, we don’t need to hear that. Or hear you.
11. The one who is always moving their furniture
Every time the full moon rises, this neighbour feels the need to rearrange their furniture. The feng shui just wasn’t right. So they spend three hours dragging cabinets and tables and chairs from one end of the house to the next.
12. The one who hosts late (and very loud) parties
It’s ok, you keep your karaoke going til 3am, I wasn’t planning on sleeping anyway.
13. The one who has very loud children
I hate that I know the difference between Beppe’s cry and Matt’s cry, and I don’t know what they look like.
Also, I appreciate that kids need to play to develop well, but could they maybe play the quiet game instead of fighting over who’s turn it is to use the XBOX?
14. The one who has a very loud dog
The only constant barking I want to hear is three dogs barking the tune of jingle bells. Everything else is unnecessary.
15. The one who has very loud sex
Tag someone who has one of these neighbours (or is one of these himself)!
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